Natural Learning

I’m sitting in the coffee shop where I used to do a lot of writing, in West Seattle.  I came here to kick off my weekly write night, as I’ve been absent from writing for quite some time.  Upon sitting down I went through my usual routine of checking my facebook and my email.  I usually need to get all of the distractions out of the way before I dig in.  Within minutes, TJ called.  He said, “I have bad news.  REALLY bad news.”  I knew by his tone that the kids were OK, but I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Heather, all 5 chickens are dead.”

“What!? I checked on them seconds before we left for the ferry.”

TJ dropped me off at the ferry to cross the water to meet up with my brother.  Then he drove home.  This takes 15 minutes.  TOPS.  When he got home, the chickens were dead.  And really, can we call them chickens yet?  They were still babies.  Just barely getting their big girl clucks.

Fuck.

I failed them, my chickens and my children.  I feel like a jerk.  I allowed my chickens to die, what was probably a horrible death.  I can’t even go into the preparation and the research we did.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  Whatever  killed them didn’t even want to EAT them.  It just picked them up, broke their necks and left them to die.  Each one of them.  Five. Chickens.  I’m not even home to console my children.  I’m what feels like a million miles away.  A ferry ride.  TJ says he’s fine and will let me know if should make my way home.   I trust him.

I’m sad, incredibly guilty, angry, befuddled and I feel genuinely defeated.

*sigh*

June Cleaver never had chickens.  June Cleaver isn’t a failure.  June Cleaver never did anything that allowed her to fail.  Then again, maybe her mom never told her that failure was an option.  It is, you know.

Failure is your friend.

By implementing grading systems, school culture has negated the option of failure.  It can happen, but if you ask, failure isn’t an option.  In school, failure is something you do not want to happen.  If you fail, you are punished.

Our culture, competitive to a fault, has created the “need to succeed” in the worst way.  Our society says you need bigger, better, faster and more.   You NEED to succeed.  I guess that many people forgot that some of the most mind-blowing things we learn are born of failure, like silly putty!  Some of the greatest inventions came from failures.  The Pacemaker was invented by making a mistake!  We need to fail to learn.  We need to try and tinker and test and fail.

Failure should have a cozy little spot in our lives.  Failure is incredibly important.  As a mom, I need my children to see me fail.  I need them to know that I am not infallible.  No person, anywhere is infallible.  It’s OK to make mistakes.  It’s OK to muck it all up.  It’s a process, and a really necessary and  important one.

“If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.” -Tom Watson

Guilt is not your friend.

If we’re going to talk about friends, then we should also talk about one friend that really isn’t a friend at all.  Guilt is a nasty acquaintance that only hangs around when you are feeling bad and seems to love to watch you suffer.  Guilt keeps you hanging on to the past; the could haves, the would haves, and the should haves.  Guilt prevents  you from moving forward and therefore learning or trying again.  Guilt only ensures that you feel wrong in your mistakes.

I can’t choose your friends for you.  You may need to learn that one on your own.  I know I did.  I once let guilt hang around for a good year before I decided to let her go.  My life felt stagnant and it was as if she was holding me back by my suspenders.  I’m not saying you should never let guilt in, but after a cup of tea and a nice conversation make sure she doesn’t overstay her welcome.

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.” – Coco Chanel

Safety in mistakes.

In my home, I feel safe to make mistakes.  The chickens were largely my responsibility.  TJ had done his job, he built them a safe and secure house that nothing could break into!  (Heck, I couldn’t undo the locks!)  The tractor was mine.  It was made from chicken wire, not raccoon proof chicken wire and it needed repair.  I’m almost always home, watching them closely.  Phoenix LOVES to spend time outside near his chickies.  I never thought anything was going to get in during the day.  In fact, they have been outside during the day in the tractor for weeks now with no issues.  We collected so much knowledge when we decided to take on these chicks, but it wasn’t enough.  I should have reinforced the tractor.

I made a mistake.  A big one.  We are terribly sad and mourning the loss of life that happened in our own backyard, but no one is angry with me.  My home is a safe place to make mistakes and to learn and move on; as every home should be.  Children (or adults) who make mistakes are simply human.  Punishment, whether by force or by treatment, is a useless tactic that does nothing for the punished, but brings sort of an instant gratification to the punisher.

We will bury our chickens today.  I have one especially sad child.  One who wants more.  And one who says the chickies went bye-bye.   No one has seen the chickens except TJ, and I’m really grateful that the children were somehow given the option to see them, rather than to stumble upon them in the backyard themselves.  Guilt will be here by my side but, I’ve already made her quite aware, once the last pile of dirt is thrown, she is to head north…  straight out of town.

I feel like crap.  The last few days I’m convinced I’ve come down the plague.  I’m unsure which plague…  it’s just that the word “plague” just sounds so utterly horrible that it MUST be what I have, right?  My eye are burning, my nose is running, and I’ve officially kicked off the year end sneeze-a-thon.  Ugh.  Head colds suck, man.  It has left me incredibly irritable.

Last night the two oldest boys were getting a bit overtired and were having an argument a communication breakdown.  I honestly just didn’t want to hear it.  After I yelled my piece and stomped my feet like a child (no not literally, but I won’t say it didn’t cross my mind) I went downstairs and plopped in the rocking chair to finish up watching the UFC event that was on television.  I said out loud to my brother, something to the effect of, I hate being sick, I’m finding it hard to parent.  Immediately he commented, “I don’t know how you do it sometimes” and complimented my (usual) high degree of patience.

…Patience?

I thought for a moment.  Am I patient?  I don’t feel patient.  In fact, I am incredibly impatient.

• I have been known to frost the cupcakes before they cool, leaving the frosting to melt and soak into the tiny steaming cake.  That’s not patience.
• I would do Christmas a week in advance if I had my way, the anticipation kills me!  That’s not patience.
• I can’t stand taking 20-30 minutes just to put shoes on to leave, so I’ve been known to rush my family.  That is definitely not patience, and sometimes I think they go slower just to have a laugh.

No… that’s not it at all.  I haven’t been blessed with some magical patience gene.  In actuality, I hate waiting and I like instant gratification.  Impatience, isn’t one of my better qualities, but as I get older and gain more experience, I learn to cope and try not to negatively affect others with my eager ways.

So what is it then?  Why do people compliment me on my patience?  Why do I hear “I don’t know how you do it” and  “you’re so patient” coming from people outside my household.

It’s not patience.  It’s perspective.

Patience:  1. capacity for waiting: the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties

Perspective:  1. particular evaluation of something: a particular evaluation of a situation or facts, especially from one person’s point of view.

Someone I know keeps a list on her fridge.  It’s a list of negative words that are commonly used to describe fairly typical childhood behavior, and next to each word is a new word casting a new, more loving light on each behavior.  I’m going to use that idea here, and try and come from a place of compassion while describing the child.

Peaceful households aren’t born overnight.  Changing perspectives to come from a place of love and compassion, rather than a place of criticism and judgment changes the energy within your home.  It becomes a comfortable and safe place to be.  These simple examples are really good ways to change those old-fashioned perspectives on how children should behave or when advocating for other children who’s parents can’t seem to see the positive.

“Wow!  It looks like a lot of fun and learning has been going on here!”

When my kids are behaving in ways that are generally undesirable, (for instance yelling “assbutt” and “bitchhole”), I have no need to be patient because from my perspective they aren’t “misbehaving”.  I’m not waiting for them to stop their undesirable behavior.  The issues they are having are more important than the swears they saying.  They won’t be solved simply by ending and punishing the use of words like “bitchass” and “fartshit”.  Their issues can begin to be solved when they can effectively communicate their needs to each other (or to me).  I have more experience, I can help if they want it.  I can do the listening and the talking if and when they need me to.  When all is cool and calm, then and only then will I talk about the appropriate use (or place) for words, name calling, and more effective communication.  Not during the heated moment. (on a positive note: they are incredibly creative with their use of language!)

Shift This:

1. Realize that children are free human beings and any control you may think you have over them is merely an illusion.  Whatever you forbid now, they will seek out later and most likely behind your back.  Restrictions create forbidden fruit.

2. Everything is learning.  Everything.  When I’m having a particularly hard time with something one of my children is doing, I focus on all the things they are learning.  Chances are they are learning SOMETHING, whether academically, socially, or personally and all life learning is equally important.

While both perspective and patience are valuable and useful, I’d say that perspective wins for me, every time.  (and somehow causes me to appear to be incredibly patient)

I think if there is one thing no one wants to imagine, it’s the death of a spouse, partner, or parent. It’s uncomfortable to consider what might happen to you, your children, and your quality of life.  Unschoolers are not immune to life or even death.  Sometimes, we know in advance that death is inevitable, sometimes it is sudden as it was for one unschooling family last week.

I’m writing over at Enjoy Life today about what can happen and how we can be prepared to make sure that our families are still able to live an Unschooling life even when our lives are affected by  the passing of a parent or guardian.

Click the image to read the article.

You can find me today over at The Mahogany Way for a second guest post.  Darcel asked me to write about living without rules.  I think some unschooled families take great care to not have arbitrary rules and some eschew the term altogether.  Our family, has an approach that I feel rules are completely unnecessary.  It doesn’t mean anything goes.  There are times, that no IS the answer.  There are also times where I will not allow something.  There are reasons I still do not call that rules.  Find out more here:  The Mahogany Way

Hope you enjoy it!