Have you ever read a wine review? No? Me either. Well, I mean except for a quick description of something on wine.com. Even then, I didn’t REALLY read it. Even so, I’ve always wanted to write a wine review series for people like us: label shoppers.
Isn’t it weird when the waitress allows you to test the bottle first. I mean, It’s wine. I’ll take it. Does anyone ever REALLY send it back? Have you ever seen someone swirl their wine around and study the glass with first their eyes then their nose? I have. It’s weird and I have no idea what they are doing other than trying to make me feel less refined than I already am.
Here at Eclectic Reality we strive for fancy. If we’re going to be fancy then we need to learn how to review wine. That is why I downloaded a wine review guide to help us along. We are fancy people. No… we epitomize fancy!
(All the photos I took of us were pretty much black. That’s what we get for not wanting to get up and turn the lights on. If you don’t know what we look like, you get to imagine two people having this conversation. If you do know… well, lucky you.)
TJ: I don’t even know what we’re drinking.
Heather: We’re drinking wine, hunny. [reading the wine guide on iPhone] I think you should cleanse your palette.
TJ: I’m cleansing my palette with this cold piece of bacon that the kids didn’t finish earlier.
Heather: My palette is already cleansed, I’m three glasses in. So, if we follow the guide I just downloaded then we should probably mention the name of the wine.
TJ: [Holds the bottle in the air and attempts to make sense of the label] Bookmark is made here in Washington and it is a red wine. That is exactly what is says on the bottle. This always makes me feel like it is made up of all the leftover merlot, cabernet, and syrah that didn’t make the cut. It ran me about $10 per bottle, and tastes like a sweet deal.
Heather: That’s kind of expensive for wine don’t you think? Whatever, we should probably move on. The guide says we need to talk about the color. Is it red? Is it purple? Maybe brick?
TJ: [holds up glass to the light] We’re in kind of a dimly lit room. I can’t tell.
Heather: Um… maybe it’s the jelly jar you’re drinking it out of?
TJ: It’s a pretty dark purple to my eyes.
Heather: Again… jelly. [rolls eyes] Whatever, just smell it.
TJ: It smells like fruit and alcohol to me. Actually, I don’t smell anything. It might be a rare odorless red.
Heather: Oooh. That makes it more expensive. Expensive wine is better. Like most red wine, it smells like rotten fruit to me.
TJ: You’re so unsophisticated.
Heather: I am so fucking sophisticated, you have no idea how sophisticated I am! Whatever dude, we need to talk about the texture. Did you know wine had texture? It says to think of milk. Milky… wine?
TJ: Medium. I’m going with medium.
Heather: It’s kind of winey. Not unlike yourself. The guide says we need to aerate the wine. Swish it in your mouth and suck air through your pursed lips. GO!
TJ: Mmmm Hmmm. Definitely getting wine on my shirt.
Heather: My turn. I can’t swish and suck at the same time!
TJ: That’s what she said.
Heather: *cough* *choke* *gasp*
TJ: What’s next?
Heather: Hey, I’m OK. Thanks for asking.
TJ: What was the purpose of the swishing and sucking?
Heather: I have no idea. Let’s finish this up. Its says “a wine finish is the lingering sensation that wine leaves in your mouth after you swallow the wine. The finish is described in both length and flavors”.
TJ: So… how long was your wine?
Heather: I don’t know. How long was YOUR wine?
TJ: You know… if I skip brushing my teeth, I bet I can still taste this in the morning. Whatever. I’m going with medium. Medium is my answer.
Heather: I don’t know if I can handle being fancy. I’ve never thought this hard about wine. Now I’m supposed to explain what it pairs well with? [changes to a mid-atlantic accent – think Frasier Crane] It pairs well with a wide array of cured fatty meats and orangish cheeses.
TJ: I’m feeling like our review is a tragedy for Bookwalter Winery at this point, which is a shame, because for $10, I feel like I’m drinking at least $15 or $20. If you’re like me, and rarely spend more than $10 on a bottle of wine, buy this wine and you will thank me for it. It’s really good.
Heather: Wow, this review sucks.
TJ: [furrows brow]
So I guess at this point we’re questioning whether we should be reviewing wine at all. Is this series even worth it? This all makes very little sense to me. Is there a learning curve? Will I just magically “get it”? Oooooor… is it a sham?! I guess there’s only one way to find out. We be gettin’ get all fancy up in here!